Against all odds I believe

I am constantly battling good and evil. I am trying soooo hard to be happy and I am constantly telling myself that no matter what happens there is a reason for it, try to L.I.G., and put it in the Lords hands. But I am walking on a thin rope, any wrong move and I will plummet to my death. (That’s what it feels like anyway)
My daughter turns nine on the 27th and I have noooooo money so I am going to get creative and have about 4-5 girls spend the night and we are going to through an old fashion slumber party, you know the kind of slumber party they use to through. Doing nails, hair, facials, some good old fashion girlie movies, popcorn, dancing, slumber bags, and some ghost stories, should be interesting. I found when it comes to kids, fun is fun, and as long as they get to spend time with you they tend to forget how much they didn't get.

I am truly blessed and I have to keep reminding myself of this on a daily basis. I know that I am truly loved even though it seems that I am not even thought about at all. I am my own support system, my own cheering section, and my own inspiration. For now, I'm okay, but tomorrow is a different day with new problems.

So, Lord for today thank you and for tomorrow I will be a better me.

Yee Haw!!

So I wanted to show yall a video of my little cowboy. This is what keeps me going to fight another day.

                                    
If you truely beleive everything will be okay it will be. Rememeber to surround yourself with positive attitudes and positive people.

L.I.G.

There is a lot of pain and hurt that I have been holding on to. Some pain is old and some pain is new. I am still trying to grasp the concept of this disease and the damage it has done to me and my family, but the pain and anger that I would really like to let go of is caused by my family. We use to be really close but everything changed when my father had his first heart attack. I was maybe 9 or 10 and he had so many little strokes and heart attacks that he ended up in the nursing home. Something happen to my family we just grew apart and I miss them so much. My mother - I love very much and it pains me to have told her to stop calling me today but there was and still is damage that she doesn't want to confront and because she refuses and ignores reality our relationship will always suffer. She recently did something that was unforgivable and she then pretends it didn’t even happen. It’s one thing to make a mistake and then realize that you have hurt someone and try to make it right, but when you really hurt someone and pretend you did nothing it really effects people in a different way.


So how do you stop someone from hurting you and disrupting your life especially when it’s your mother?

I asked my god mother what I should do and she said that I first have to figure out how to let go of the hurt and anger of the past not for her but for me to move forward. So, how do you do that when the person you are trying to heal from keeps calling pretending everything is fine and refuses to talk about anything.


I know she loves me in her odd way but it doesn’t excuse her from her actions and my job now is to protect and care for my children. I hope one day she can see that.

So for now I am going to PRAY, PRAY, PRAY.

Define Refined

I was watching Joel Osteen on Sunday (one of my ways to gather inspiration) and he said The Lord puts obstacles in our way to help us grow and become refined. Growing is such a big part of our lives and some of us never do get better with age. It's as if they stand still in time.

It is funny because the other day I was in a rush at the grocery store because I had to catch a ride and the baby needed milk. There was no one in the 10 items or less so I snuck my 15 items in, but the cashier made a big deal about it and instead of letting the ugly things she said role off my back I decided to give her a big piece of my mind. NOT THE RIGHT THING TO DO. Why is it that when we are miserable we always try to bring people to our level?

I obviously still have a lot of growing to do!

I am getting better though because I just learned that a girl I was very close to once got drunk at a party and could say enough bad things about me. My first instinct was to confront her but I stepped back and thought about it. Does it really matter that much what she says. Besides, in a way I am flattered,  it seems that her life is and always was consumed with what I was doing or saying.

Maybe we don't get the blessing we ask for because we are not yet ready for them!!!!!

Change

My life has changed so dramatically from just a few years ago. Before you would have probably found me at the next biggest party chugging on some beer or seeing what trouble i could get into next. I moved out on my own when I was 16 and even before then, there wasn't much supervision or support in my life. So the path of destruction came very easily for me. But recently I have taken a step back and realized how far I have come.

Look at me now and you will see a person they may or may not do her hair that day because she is steady making sure everyone around her has everything they need to be productive that day. Crap, I rarely even leave my house. Some might say this is a terrible thing especially for new parents who think they will be able to be great parents and still party every night. Ha I say! I have little time and even less money.

This is not a terrible thing, if anyone out there has a parent who has always been there for them and who has helped them become who there are, then you owe them big. Your parents were once teenagers and kids, rent and food was the last thing on their mind, but one day something happens. When we are kids we really don't have anything to lose but when you start your family you could potentially lose everything and that fear makes you grow up.


I'm okay with growing responsible (I will never be old).

Drowning

What do I feel...........?          

I feel hurt, angry, sad, betrayed, alone, and yet even happy at times. Life is very complicated and hard for me and my children.

What do I want..........?

Ijust want to be happy, I want thing to run smoothly, I really, truly, want to believe, "everything is going to be okay." Eeverything is riding on me doing the right thing, making the right moves at the right time, and I am sooooo afraid of screwing up. There is no room for error, at all, anymore.

The weight of my world rest on my shoulders!!!!!